The Story of Motherhood

This blog is going to be very different from my typical. I know not everyone is here for mom content (or is it baby content?), but enough of you show interest that I wanted to share my motherhood experience. I also feel this type of share will be cathartic to me as life has changed so dramatically. I will do my best to make this helpful from a business standpoint too, although only a few months in, the only thing I’ve learned with certainty is that I know very little. 

Because this will be somewhat long, I’ll divide it into 5 categories so you can skip ahead!

1. Pregnancy
2. Birth
3. Motherhood
4. Business
5. Advice

Let’s start at the very beginning, with our pregnancy story.

Pregnancy

Our pregnancy was entirely planned, but still came out of nowhere. I had been assured that things in my body were…not working correctly, to spare you the details, and we’d made an appointment with a fertility clinic. I was getting frustrated and overwhelmed with the constant cycle of tracking, waiting, checking, getting a no, starting over from the beginning. Not telling people also weighed on me (as you can tell, I process by sharing). 

One day, I was heading to a wine weekend with some friends, and decided to test just to be 100% sure I wasn’t pregnant before drinking wine. I had taken a test about 5 days earlier that was negative, and before that, and before that…We had our first fertility consultation that same week. I never in a million years thought it would be positive.

I had always planned to tell my husband with a “Little Man” onesie from our favorite ice cream place. They opened at 10:00. I got the positive result at 9:15. Sure, I could wait 45 minutes. 

…I could not wait 45 minutes.

He was as shocked as I was, but we were both so excited. We told his parents over Thanksgiving in person, and mine over FaceTime with some custom grandparent gifts. Telling people we were pregnant was the absolute highlight of pregnancy, because spoiler alert: the rest kind of sucked.

Pre-motherhood

In retrospect, it seems so temporary just like everyone said it would be. But in the moment, I absolutely hated pregnancy. I also felt guilty for hating it. I was sick…a lot. I couldn’t eat much even up to delivery. I had heartburn, back pain, trouble sleeping, and was generally very uncomfortable. 

While nothing official was “wrong” with my pregnancy, I felt so bad, and didn’t feel any connection to my daughter at all throughout the time. It was fun to feel her kick, but that was about it. Now looking back, I kind of miss the bump – just knowing it was her this whole time gives me an entirely different perspective on it.

I didn’t feel like I was allowed to hate pregnancy. It’s rare to hear people just admit that it sucks. Everyone was so excited for the baby, which was wonderful, but this was the first moment I felt a loss of myself. I felt like suddenly I was the vessel to give the world this baby they all wanted, so it didn’t matter how I felt anymore. That was a decent foreshadowing into Motherhood, and also something that I still think kind of sucks. If you have a loved one who is pregnant or newly postpartum – make sure you allow them their own personhood. 

Let’s see…pregnancy was stressful. I am an over-preparer and my husband is more into winging it, so we had to find some compromise there. He was more right than I’ll ever admit to him in real life!

Things I found helpful were: 

• Pillow between the knees
• Keeping snacks by the bed
• Zofran for nausea and Omeprazole for heartburn
• Massages
• Chewing gum

Another way I learned about motherhood during pregnancy was just that the best laid plans don’t always follow through. I had planned to eat so healthy and work out all the time. By the end, we were just focused on getting by and trying to get enough calories. 

Something that surprised me a lot was that I didn’t really have cravings! There was a long list of things that I could not eat due to nausea, and that list changed by the minute. The only thing I really craved at any point was steak – perhaps due to needing more iron.

One beautiful thing we did was have 3ish showers! We had a shower in my hometown, one in my husband’s hometown, and one in Denver where we live. The Denver one involved freezer-stocking which came in SO handy. 10/10 recommend. Our support groups came out for us in such force, and we felt so lucky to have everyone showing us love and excitement for our new addition.

And since you all love Bodie so much – he did seem to realize I was pregnant, and became a little protective of me, but nothing major. Our other dog, Lucky, we actually had gotten while unknowingly pregnant, so she didn’t act any differently that we could tell. 

Naming Baby Girl

We found out the baby was a girl, and came up with her name, Daisy, about 3 months in. I was 100% sure that it was my top choice right when we first thought of it. It took my husband until about 1 week before delivery to fully accept it, but we’d been calling her that for months by that point. There was no real story to Daisy, we just liked it. It feels sunny and bright, and that’s what I hope she ends up embodying. We ended up giving her a middle name that references my mother and grandmother, as well as my husband’s mother and great-grandmother (and a few other loved ones). 

Complications in Pregnancy

It was a relatively uneventful pregnancy, overall, although I did have one trip to the ER because I had a lot of trouble breathing one day. We did lots of testing, and it turned out to be nothing. At 32 weeks, however, we found out that baby girl was breech (flipped upside-down). Her head was right at the top of my stomach, and stayed there stubbornly for the last 2 months of pregnancy.

The idea of a c-section was utterly terrifying to me at first. We did a lot of things to try and get her to flip – acupuncture, spinning babies, exercises, music, heat/cold, light, etc. She wouldn’t budge. I’d never had surgery, and I did not want to start now. We were offered an ECV (basically manual flipping of the baby) but there were risk factors, low success rates, and always the chance she’d just flip back. So we decided not to, and reluctantly scheduled the c-section for 39 weeks. It also happened to be the day before my husband’s birthday! 

Lastly, I will talk for a second about weight – so trigger warning for this paragraph. I did not gain much weight while pregnant, and have lost some weight from my baseline while breastfeeding. This was something I stupidly cared about before getting pregnant, but as soon as I couldn’t eat, wasn’t gaining enough, was getting sick all the time, and had deficiencies, it suddenly didn’t matter so much to me. Everyone’s experience is so different and weight has very little to do with your actual overall health – I could barely exercise while pregnant, and was definitely not my healthiest self despite my weight being “good”. 

Birth

Overall, there are some things I actually really loved about having a c-section, including:

• Scheduling it out! We got to have a final meal, last night’s rest, plan for the dogs, our parents booked their travel easily, etc.
• Not ever dilating or having contractions! That was so nice.
• It was fast. We went to the hospital at 7:30 and she was born at 10:06!
• Recovery has some benefits as compared to natural birth, although it also has some negatives, of course.
• Family wasn’t allowed into the room, so there was no decision-making there.
• I got to choose my doctor.
• Most importantly, it was safer for her and for me.

(Slight TW here for surgery talk). My husband was able to be in the room with me, and we had an amazing team of nurses and doctors that we truly loved. I went into the procedure honestly terrified. I don’t like things like this, and while I’m generally okay with the idea of pain, I did not like that I would be awake during surgery. It was an experience I’d forget if I could. Truly insane. I kept thinking that the anesthesia wasn’t working right, because I could feel them tugging and moving things around.

My husband says “I saw a bunch of red to the right and decided not to look that way again.” I also vomited on him (sorry babe). Taylor Swift played in my ear, and I focused on breathing through it while singing the lyrics. I did not even notice when they said “She’s out!” and all the doctors kept saying “Happy Birthday!!!!”.

They showed her to me quickly, then took her to the vitals station. My husband went with her. All I could see were her legs sticking straight up (they call them “breech legs”). Then they placed her on my chest. I remember a little of this, but have pretty much blacked out the rest of the recovery time. Right when they started closing me up, I felt a ton of pain, and couldn’t really focus on anything else for a couple hours. Once the painkillers kicked in, we were up in the maternity ward and I was finally able to really notice the baby! (Wow! She’s cute! Are you sure she’s ours??? We get to keep her???)

She weighed 6 lbs. I am still not over how tiny she was. 

Recovery

C-section recovery is no joke, but one thing is true: I love not being pregnant. I immediately could breathe, didn’t have heartburn, and my appetite returned that evening. It was heavenly. I ordered so many meals, and ate everything in sight, whether it was something I typically liked or not.

The next day was dad’s birthday, and the first time I walked was to celebrate him with a Panera lunch in the lounge with our families. It hurt. But if you’re a c-section mama, you know how much walking helps with recovery.

I refused to look at the scar until after we got home. I had to work up the nerve (it was scary).

Motherhood at the Hospital

There were a couple surprising things about the hospital stay. Emotions were just…so raw. It’s hard to explain. But everything felt huge and important and scary and wonderful all at once. I was overwhelmed with the in and out of various people, and how none of them were connected. The OB cared about me, but not the baby. The pediatrician cared about the baby, but not me. They changed every day. The lactation consultants and doctors had different opinions on things. It was a lot.

I also was annoyed that they all talked directly to me, and seemed to ignore my husband. I would stare right at him when they were talking to try and redirect them. We are both her parents, we are both making these decisions. Something I loved was that our hospital was very quiet – there were only 3-4 other babies on the wing with us the whole time. 

Both of our families were around for about a week. They helped so much, and were so sweet with the baby. A lot of moms want to be alone in a bubble at first, but I really did not want that and mostly loved having them there. This was the first grandchild on both sides, so it was a big deal for everyone!

Motherhood

I cannot even begin to say anything new or noteworthy on motherhood only 3 months in. This is just my experience and some things I’ve learned. The last section will have some tips if you have loved ones becoming mothers and want to help them in an affirming, actually supportive way.

A massive thing is that I immediately look back on all of my friends who are mothers and think how I didn’t support them correctly. I know they don’t hold it against me, and this seems to be a common feeling, but holy moly you just have no idea what it’s like until you’re in it. 

I also have had to (at least attempt to) become okay with not knowing everything, which is really really really really hard for me personally. It’s hard not knowing what’s wrong when your baby is crying, or having stomach issues. It’s hard not knowing if you’re doing right by her, or making the right decisions. It’s hard not knowing how your day is going to go each morning, or being able to make plans easily. It’s hard when you think you know what’s going on and then things change. But it’s teaching me to enjoy the moments, and it’s so much fun to see the world through her eyes. I just love watching her learn and take things in. Plus, her smiles can basically make any problems go away immediately. 

Our daughter is honestly such an easygoing baby. The hardest thing we’ve dealt with is her dairy intolerance. I have given up dairy (8 weeks dairy-free!) while breastfeeding, which isn’t super fun as cheese is my favorite food, but overall we are so lucky that she’s really independent, a good sleeper, and overall really happy.

Capitalism and Motherhood

It probably comes as no surprise that the US does not treat motherhood (or fatherhood) the way it really should. We aren’t programmed to give mothers the support that they need, and parents are left alone to deal with a lot of the decisions and day-to-day care on their own. We are so fortunate that my husband got a lot of paternity leave, and that Colorado has 12 weeks paid, even for self-employed folks, as of last year. It’s still not nearly enough.

I would love motherhood so much more if it weren’t for capitalism. If I didn’t feel a need to produce. If I didn’t feel the guilt of not working. If I didn’t have to weigh daycare costs vs. our salaries. If I didn’t feel a pull to return to work quickly. And that’s coming from an extremely privileged viewpoint. I can’t imagine how people who are less privileged do it.

It’s Okay to Feel What You Feel During Motherhood

There are a lot of things about motherhood that are difficult. Some that everyone goes through – sleep deprivation, anxiety, catastrophic thoughts, losing your own personhood, guilt, emotional fluctuations. And there are some that are unique to each mother.

I won’t go into it too much, but I recently started taking medication for Postpartum Anxiety / Depression. The hard part about this so far was not knowing where the line between “normal” and “needs help” was. The normalization of struggle, combined with the isolation of the newborn stage makes it hard to know whether what you’re feeling is something everyone is going through or something that needs attention.

A big thing that led to me seeking help was a feeling of invisibility. My daughter is *so* visible to everyone in our lives, ourselves included, but it sometimes feels like she’s eclipsing my own sense of self. In the same way babies think they are the same person as their mother for 6 months, I am feeling like I am her more than I am me lately.

This isn’t to be a pity party or anything – but just to muse on how motherhood can make you feel. At the same time that you love your child and want the entire world for them, other things that make you you (work, hobbies, relationships, showering more than 2x a week) are becoming smaller to fit them in, and sometimes that feels like you are disappearing too. 

I won’t give motherhood tips, because who am I to do that (don’t worry – everyone else will give you tips, whether you want them or not!). But if I could offer one piece of advice it’s to not be afraid to assert yourself. Confidence is not overflowing when you’re a new parent, but if you can fake it til you make it a little, it will go a long way. This is one of those do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do things.

There are so many things I love about being a mom, specifically Daisy’s mom. I don’t know if I’m the type to love being “a mom” in general, but I feel so lucky every day to be her mom. I can’t wait to get to know her and watch her grow up, and she is constantly amazing me. RIP my camera roll, is all I can say. It makes me happy every time she grows, even though it also makes me sad to miss her old self. I have truly loved the newborn stage, and can’t wait to meet her in every stage.

My Husband as a New Dad

Another really fun thing has been watching my husband become a dad. He is…incredible, to say the least. He truly loves her and wants to spend time with her. He treats us both so well, and provides a balance to my emotional roller coaster. Probably the most important thing you can do to make your experience having kids better is to have them with the right person. I’m so lucky that we both have him.

Overall, motherhood comes with a lot of juxtapositions. You love breastfeeding, but it’s really hard and frustrating sometimes. You are glad you are the mom, but you’re jealous of dad sometimes. You are tired from taking care of the baby, but don’t want anyone else to take care of her either. You want to make decisions for her, but you don’t feel like you know anything. It’s a lot of back and forth. I think accepting that all your feelings are valid is the most helpful thing I can suggest, although I’m personally still working on it. 

Motherhood and My Business

Okay, I’m a business educator. So how is this affecting my business? Having only been at this for 3 months, I don’t claim to know everything, but here’s how I’m thinking about motherhood and business.

Preparing for Leave

The biggest thing I did to help myself was prepare heavily for leave. I made sure there was content scheduled out at least a month, in most cases more, so I could ease back into the business. I have a full time employee who took over the main operations for DbyL and she did an amazing job! If it weren’t for her, I’d likely have hired someone temporarily, or would have put invitations, etc. on pause during leave. 

Each week from about 30 weeks to 39, I had a focus area for the business – prepping emails one week, blogs the next, videos the next, etc. This helped me stay focused around all the little things that came up.

Maternity Leave

Colorado has 12 weeks paid leave, even for self-employed people. I am so grateful for the pressure this took off. I took about 5 weeks off completely and then have worked about half-time ever since (they still pay you during the half-time, up to the full 12 week bank). My husband has around 4 months total, and has broken it up a little. 

We loved maternity leave so much. I didn’t expect it, but it was such a wonderful little bubble. My husband is amazing, and the sweetest dad. As soon as I was able to walk more and had energy again, it was so nice to hang out. I will say we had tons of expectations (“I’ll learn how to make bread!” I thought) that went unmet. But we loved each other and had an overall really great time.

I don’t know if this is my daughter, or maternity leave, or what, but I have felt *so* creative since I came back from leave. I have 5902490 ideas…and no time to put them into action! Is that a normal postpartum feeling?

Childcare

I remember telling people I didn’t think I’d be one of those moms who wanted to sit around and stare at her baby all day. I did for a while. I still do, much of the time. But she also is 3 months old and can’t do much. So while I love staring at her more than I thought I would…I also don’t want to stare at her all day, and that’s okay!

I think it’s important for her to see how much I love work. I thought I’d want to come back to work 100%. I thought I’d be bored. I was not bored, but I still did want to come back to work. I still love work. I still love my baby. But I can no longer give both 100%.

My husband has a “typical” job, so the choice was easier for him, which I sometimes feel jealous of. I have to balance our financial needs, my mental health needs and desire to work, and what’s best for our daughter. And there are SO MANY options. I know a lot of stationers who simply work around the baby. We decided on daycare, and she got in for 2 days/week way earlier than we expected. We will eventually have 3 days a week, and for now, will settle there. The other 2 days, I will “work around” the baby. 

Honestly, I have a lot of guilt over this. I never expected to want to be a stay at home mom, and I still don’t. But I miss her more than I thought. I feel guilt when she goes to another caregiver. I feel guilt when I am relieved that she’s at daycare so I can get work done. I wonder whether it’s the right thing for her, or if I’m being selfish. I know it’s a good choice for our family, and yet still…guilt. We love our daycare, so that helps. (Except…holy cow, the price tag.)

Work Days During Motherhood

So what does working with baby look like? It’s different every day. I have had to learn to go with the flow. One thing I’ve found helpful is just focusing on one “major” (read: not that major) task each day. I can’t commit to anything more than that. So each day I’ll focus on one project and any little stuff that comes up around it. I’ve also only given myself 4 “major” tasks a week, so there’s an extra day for whatever else is needed.

I feel we’ve gotten more into a groove every month, and I assume that will continue. But still, each day is a little different. Usually, I work during her naps, as well as some independent playtime. This usually gives me about 4 hours of work per day. I also finish tasks at night when she’s asleep, or my husband will switch off for me in the evenings since he works during the day. Once we have our 3rd daycare day, this will probably feel more routine.

To be honest, I’ve never been a fixed routine kind of person, so this works well for me. It is frustrating when you’re mid-sentence on a great thought for your blog and the baby wakes up though. So I’m learning to focus and work quickly when I can.

Some things that help business-wise are:

• Delegating more tasks
• Streamlining and automating
• Focusing on money-making tasks
• Limiting scrolling / time-sucks
• Preparing EARLY for things

Advice

There are a lot of things that I would do differently with all of my pregnant / postpartum friends now that I’m living the motherhood experience. So if you have loved ones who are going through this, here is a little advice about how to love them best during this time. Of course, everyone’s experience is different, so take this with a grain of salt! 

• Don’t assume they’ll “feel better after the first trimester” – every pregnancy is different
• Don’t offer advice unless they ask, or assume your experience was universal 
• Do not comment on their body, at all
• Stock their freezer
• Give options of things you’d like to do to help, not open-ended offers
• Talk to mom like a human, about things that aren’t baby-related, etc.
• Don’t give mom only baby gifts for birthday, Christmas, etc.
• Buy the things on their registry, don’t assume you know what they need
• It’s usually okay to touch a friend’s belly if you ask (with most people – obviously if they say no…don’t)
• Take pictures of mom with the baby!!!!
• Also pictures of both parents with baby are really nice, as usually one parent is taking the pic
• Holding the baby is not helping. It can be good, and fun, and you should totally do it! But don’t think of it as helping. Most often, you’ll find that new parents want to hold their baby while you help with other things, if that’s possible. Exceptions to this – when they need to give attention to another child, or when they ask you specifically to hold the baby
• They’ll need special help with pets, siblings, plants, etc. Anything that needs taking care of will be harder for them to take care of when there’s a newborn zapping their energy and attention, so these are the most helpful tasks.
• Know that they don’t always understand their feelings either. I find myself getting irritated at things that just yesterday made me happy and vice versa. Hormones are weird, man. 
• Remind them that they are a superhero! They’re doing really hard things!